I Bought a $35 Banana Holder So You Don't Have To

Let me ask you a question: have you ever, in your entire life, looked at a banana sitting on your counter and thought, "You know what this banana needs? A dedicated piece of plastic furniture. A throne. A banana-specific storage solution that costs more than the actual banana."

If you answered yes, congratulations — you are the target market for the $35 banana holder. If you answered no, congratulations — you are a normal person who has not been brainwashed by Amazon's algorithm into buying shit you don't need. You are free. Leave this place and never look back.

I am not a normal person. I bought the banana holder. For you. The reader. Because that's the kind of self-destructive dipshit I am.

What Even Is This Fucking Thing?

The banana holder is a piece of bright yellow plastic shaped like a banana. It has a little hook on one end and a little cradle on the other. You put your banana in it, and it holds the banana. That's it. That's the entire fucking product. It holds one banana. One. Singular. If you have two bananas, you need two banana holders. If you have a bunch of bananas, you need to make some serious decisions about your life and your priorities.

The packaging described it as "the perfect way to display your bananas." Display. Your bananas. As if bananas are art. As if guests come over and say, "Wow, that's a beautifully displayed banana. You must be a person of culture." No one has ever said this. No one ever will. If someone comes to your house and compliments your banana display, you need to ask them to leave. They are not your friend.

The Unboxing Experience (A Descent Into Madness)

The banana holder arrived in a box that was approximately 47 times larger than the banana holder itself. The box was filled with those little air pillows that are impossible to pop quietly. I spent 15 minutes trying to pop them. My neighbors think I'm having a breakdown. They're not wrong. I was having a breakdown. Over a banana holder.

Inside the box was the banana holder, an instruction manual (for a banana holder — let that sink in), and a small card that said "Thank you for your purchase!" in a font that I can only describe as aggressively cheerful. The card is now in the trash where it belongs. The banana holder is on my counter. I have made a terrible mistake and I am living with the consequences.

The Performance Review (Spoiler: It's Shit)

I placed a banana in the banana holder. The banana holder held the banana. I removed the banana. The banana holder was empty. I placed the banana back. The banana holder held the banana again. It is, by all technical measures, functioning exactly as designed. And I hate it.

But here's the thing: the banana was also fine sitting on the counter. The counter held the banana just as well as the banana holder did. The counter didn't cost $35. The counter didn't need to be shipped from China in a box the size of a microwave. The counter didn't require me to read an instruction manual. The counter is a better banana holder than the banana holder. The counter has been holding bananas for free since the dawn of counters. The counter doesn't need your praise. The counter is a professional.

I have since learned that banana holders exist because bananas release ethylene gas as they ripen, and keeping them off the counter supposedly prevents them from bruising. You know what else prevents bruising? Not giving a shit. I have never once in my life looked at a banana and thought "this banana is bruised, if only I had spent $35 on a piece of plastic." If you have, I don't know what to tell you. You're living in a different reality than the rest of us.

The Verdict

I am now the proud owner of a $35 banana holder that I will use exactly zero times after writing this review. It will sit in my drawer next to the avocado slicer and the garlic press that I also never use. It will be a monument to my poor financial decisions. A shrine to consumerism. A reminder that I am weak and the algorithm knows my weaknesses.

If you're thinking about buying a banana holder: don't. Take that $35 and buy 35 bananas instead. Eat them. Throw them at your enemies. Use them for scale in photos. Do literally anything other than buying a piece of plastic that holds one banana. You'll be happier. You'll be fuller. And you won't have a piece of useless plastic staring at you from your counter, judging you for your choices, reminding you that you are a fool.